Dear Captain,
As the spokesperson for a large cereal producer I feel this issue should be brought to your attention and to the attention of the american consumer. Of course, as a responsible corporate logo, you should already be well aware of the issue I am addressing. If that is the case, however, I am left baffled by why you seem to have taken no action to change this.
For some time, advertisers of Captain Crunch and other such cereals have been attempting to pull the wool over our eyes. This is no real surprise, advertisers do it all the time. In this case, however, their subtle persistence may have paid off. America has let its collective guard down, and the cereal advertisers have taken advantage of us. They have taken advantage in our childlike trust in icons like yourself and the Trixx Rabbit. We have been sold out by those we trusted and we are paying the price.
Over the course of more than two decades, corporate america has been selling us cereal based solely on its 'crunch'. Sure, any cereal eater or admirer will tell you that crunch is an essential part of that eating experience. And rightly so. Crunch is a great thing in a cereal, but is it the most important thing? Shouldn't we demand more from our cereals?
Corporate America has led us, though deceptive advertising, to believe that crunch is the best thing about a cereal. We can all imagine that smiling Aryan boy and girl with their smiling mouths leaking milk "mmmm its crunchy!" Or how about the many commercial where crunchiness is portrayed as a powerful, ground-shaking force of nature. Who could resist these images of contentment and power? Certainly not the children that these ads are aimed at.
We need to ask ourselves ":what is crunch and what is it worth?" To the mega-corporations churning the stuff out, it is just another tool to cut costs and it is worth its weight in gold. By convincing the general populace that 'crunch' is the secret to happiness, they have been able sell and sell with out regard to the common morals which dictate human behavior.
By creating a near mass-hysterical need for this elusive 'crunch', the cereal companies have been able to push clearly inferior products on the unsuspecting masses. Without ever considering whether or not these cereals taste good, or are good for them, the american people eat them up. Just looking for that crunch, they ignore all other criteria and set common sense by the wayside.
These cereals are TOO crunchy. A bold statement in the crunch-crazed 90s.But true. We have become so obsessed by this particular food-texture, that we never stop to ask why. Or how much is too much. The corporations are only too aware of this and use it to their advantage. So-called crunch and flashy packaging are far cheaper than quality and fair labor policies. So they sell us our empty crunch and we eat it up.
Crunch has gone unchecked for far too long. The other morning I tried to enjoy a bowl of one of these cereals only to find my mouth ripped to shreds. The roof of my mouth was so raw, I couldn't enjoy salsa for the rest of the day. Even as I sit here writing this, my mouth is quite tender.
This, I say, is too much crunch. We have been duped into believing that bloody, salsaless mouths are what we want. Led to believe that this empty, soulless, crunching is our path to happiness and security. Captain, I don't know how you can wear your captain's hat with pride knowing these insidious crimes are being committed against the american people in your name. We have been played for fools just because we trusted you. I find it hard to believe that you have been unaware of this massive conspiracy for so long, but that is the only reasonable explanation for your continued inactivity. In any case, you are aware of it now. Take responsibility for what you represent, Captain. Look at the facts for yourself, please. If you can see all the pain and suffering your ads are causing and still do nothing to stop it, then you are surely not that Captain Crunch I once knew and trusted, I don't know if you ever were.
Sincerely,
Josh Dahl
