Dear Reader,

how are you? i am fine. would you like to hear what i have to say on this fine april afternoon? okay then! read on!

something funny my friend scott said to me the other day about the people at a show we went to: "i find it a little odd that there's all these people drinking, smoking, with multicolored hair, tattooes, and various body piercings, all wearing ear plugs." i couldn't help but laugh. (actually i couldn't help but go "HUH? WHAT YOU SAY?" cuz i wasn't wearing earplugs.) it's one of those funny things you see at shows sometime that just make ya go "hmm."

something else worth thinking about: why in a subcultute priding itself on "originality" and "creativity" and "individualism" do so many people at shows dress the same and more importantly why do so many bands follow the typical "Article Plural Noun" method of choosing a band name? granted, some cool names come out of this method, sometimes the tried and true method is the best way to go, but in the punk rock spirit of innovation and rule-breaking i'd like to see more bands with interesting names or even better, band names that transcend the limits of language, like ` or _(^ or ::::::

anyway, on to more important matters.

i want to take this opportunity to publicly forewarn the world that i have just decided to some day form the quintessential punk rock band (we're gonna be called either ArticleNoun or !! or Pleasure You Orally For Free. i can't decide. the first one hearkens back to a lot of older punk bands and the way they constructed their names, and the second challenges the conventions of language [which is pretty fucking punk], but the third would look coolest on fliers and would hopefully draw a lot of hormonally charged adolescents who'd all show up in hopes that it wasn't a band at all but rather a festivity.) and we will rip shit up throughout the highways and byways of punk rock amerika, kicking ass in some kid's basement one night and rocking out at a hole-in-the-wall punk club the next.

all who view my band's amazing performance will have one of two responses (in addition to the universal response of abject worship)

a) they will vow to never again sully a musical instrument with their pitiful attempts at music-making.


b) they will vow that they will immediately learn to play one of two notes on some instrument or another and then start their own garage band, inspired by the fierce intensity and ferocious DIY ethic of my band, not to mention our good looks, charm, wit, and humility.)

until that day happens though i'm stuck playing in the band i'm currently in and man does it suck being out here in the midwest with no regular venue for shows in the vicinity. okay, so there are some venues but there aren't enough of them and they're not close enough. dammit.

that's the problem with the whole DIM (do it myself) schtick... it's doesn't work when you're lazy or overly busy.

think about it. cuz, fuck, how am i supposed to get us shows when i'm otherwise engaged in sleeping, churning out columns at the furious pace of one every month-and-a-half (this is no joke either. no one never appreciates the intense amount of research and painstaking editing for grammer and speling that go into writing these columns for your entertainment and edification [not to MENTION the hours spent racked with misery and doubt: "is this joke too subtle, will they catch the references, is anyone actually READING these, will i ever be able to love again, etc etc"]), sleeping, reading all sorts of depressing political stuff and social theory and fighting off bouts of intense paranoia (they're watching me through the computer monitor i swear it), writing a pretty okay zine and the occasional song, gazing longingly at the various attractive homo sapiens who also populate this world (speaking of populate, if there's anyone who'd like to... [and another thing, the numbers of attractive folks seems to be on the rise what w/ springtime and all... i swear to you as the weather gets better and my mood lightens i begin to wonder to myself if the people around were always so incredibly gorgeous or if they're actually growing more attractive before my very eyes! i think it has something to do w/ my feeling good and wanting to share that goodness with others... yeah that's it, SHARE. i mean, i've just got so much to GIVE...] never mind.), occasionally attending class and working, and did i mention yet that i like to sleep a whole whole lot?
cuz i do.
like to sleep, that is.
a whole lot.
a whole lotta sleep, that is. i like to get a whole lotta sleep. i like it a whole lot, getting a whole lot of sleep.
i like getting a whole lotta sleep a whole lot.

what i'm GETTING at here (come on people, work with me) is that i'm AWful busy and it sure is a problem when it comes to trying to get shows 4 m'band. why can't people just TRUST me? NO i don't have time to send you a 7" but just the same we'll be there on friday to play the show and oh yeah by the way we need a place to sleep and some food and gas money. just a little trust, that's all i ask. trust me. my band doesn't suck too much. let us play a show. tell you what, if you hate us you don't have to book us a show ever again, at least, never again until we need another show in your area. why can't people just be reasonably about the whole thing, is that too much to ask?

it all sounds perfectly reasonable to me. of course, it should because after all, it was all conveyed to me in a dream by an emissary GOD ALMIGHTY (i was informed that i'm not in fact an atheist and that you all better shape up RIGHT NOW and start doing as i say). though it might sound strange, angels called my name. i should be king. but NO, no one ever listens to me. i feel just like Jimmy Stuart in It's A Wonderful Life, when Clarence made him invisible and he kept trying to talk to people and no one ever paid attention to him at all even though he knew what was up... *sigh* until next time.

i remain,

Nate Holdren

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