this is a call to my legions of devoted followers, i command you to knock over displays in gas stations, stomp Twinkies into the supermarket tile, and toss malatov cocktails through the windows of the factories which produce those spongey, individually wrapped nuggets of tasty evil! this corrupt corporation must be shown that they cannot continue along the immoral path they have chosen without drastic repercussions! their crimes must come to an end! the crimes i'm speaking of are, of course, the Suzi-Q and the Apple Fruit Pie, which have each tempted me on more than one occasion into breaking my otherwise spotless (except for cheesecake too... that's next on the hit-list) record of maintaining a vegan diet.
i've been writing these columns for right around six months now, and i figure by this time i damn well BETTER have some legions of devoted followers, who are willing to cause chaos and destruction! confound it you clods, get cracking! destroy! break shit! get chaotic! come on people work with me here, i'm trying to sow the seeds of a punky stylee rebellion!
and after Hostess and all Those Who Make Cheesecake have been whipped and beaten into creamy sugary submission, we can begin on other important reforms, like bulldozing over the Rock-N-Roll Hall Of Fame (and replacing it with statues of various members of the Registrators and other punk heroes who continue waging sonic warfare against aristocrats bent on making all music into crap), forcing all T.V. networks exec's to actually watch the pablum they put out over the airwaves, stablishing a system by which people will at all times know what's right and wrong (based on my own infallible wisdom. as i'm fond of saying, i am the measure of all things.), and oh yeah i guess we'll do away with hunger, injustice, and general grouchiness.
i bought more playstation games. capitalism sucks and is exploitive and immoral and all, but it's made some cool fucking toys, you know what i'm saying? take the electric back massager for example! no longer do i have to beg a friend to rub my back, now i can do it on my own, and with a massager shaped like my favorite cartoon character or farmyard animal! (*sigh* what can i say, i'm weak.) on the down side though, people who LIKE to give massages, like myself, might soon find ourselves out of luck as a social taboo against touching develops. (i have this cool book entitled Sensual Massage; it looks like a sex book but it's not, it's a great guide to how to give great full-body massages, with pictures! (get your mind out of the gutter.) it's rad. i also have a really in depth massage manual in my To Read Box that gives even better instructions. my goal is to be able to, by lightly brushing fingers across someone's cheek cause their body to get so relaxed that they collapse quivering to the floor.)
in addition to selfishly squandering my dough on vidiot games, i've also recently rekindled my lost love for the Pixies. i just gotta say that 'Trompe Le Monde' languished too long unplayed in my bin o' records, and i'd forgotten how orgasmic of a listening experience the Pixies can be. how punk rock is that, that i like the Pixies? prob'ly not very... but i did say they were orgasmic, and sexuality is a primal feeling which perhaps supercedes punk, being a universal drive within almost all humans. does that sound like a fair assertion, that sex overshadows punk rock? anybody wanna argue with me? (incidentally, the Pixies don't really get me off, my saying they're orgasmic is just an example of exaggeration. they DID have a cute guitarist though...)
thinking about renewing my commitment to the everlovin' Pixies reminds me- i recently made the decision to break up with my long-time girlfriend, Liz. by the time you read this i will have spoken with her, unless i chicken out (a very real possibility.) this decision was not made without thought, and pain... but i've realized of late that we don't have much in common... here's a short list of things i am that she isn't: atheist, interested in politics and philosophy, straightedge, socialist, an avid reader, really into punk, and vegan. (in fact, when i told her i became vegan she laughed at me and said "why? it's not like you're going to make a difference.") hopefully i don't sound spiteful here... i still care about her and am not relishing the conversation i know to be inevitable... but i gotta do it, ya know? in the words of my pal Tim the raver, we seem to be sustaining our relationship on inertia, most of what we've got in common is that we've been dating so long. i've changed and so has she, and we're moving in different directions, and i think we oughta not date anymore. obligatory plea for email: now you can email me and make me feel better! =) on the plus side, i can appreciate more fully many songs by some of my favorite bands, particularly Jawbreaker, and this experience opens up a whole new vista of song ideas, instead of just 'i love you' songs i can now write breakup songs too!
in related news, i recently expressed my interest in a female friend and recieved the answer that i was a really good friend and that she wished to keep the relationship as such. it's all good, and to be honest the rejection felt very refreshing (made me nostalgic for my childhood!) when you're as hella cool as me people tend to pretty much acquiesce regardless of the request, being shot down every once in a while serves to remind me what you pathetic insects have to go through almost every day.
man, i'm really dusting off the old vocab words today! i think i better take a break so that the slower among my readers can catch up. while we're waiting, here's a funny story (condensed version): *note to slow readers: you won't get this joke. just skip ahead to the next asterisk- there's swear words!
little joey's gotta report due for school, so he goes home and asks his dad to explain, in brief, the american socio-economic system. his dad says 'okay, since you're mom makes all the rules, she'll be the government. the maid works for us, so she'll be the working class, you live here so you can be the people, and since i pay for all of this i'll be capitalism.' his dad goes on with a lengthy explanation that quickly loses little joey (who has a very short attention span, having been weaned on television and recently having developed a nasty glue-sniffing habit.) joey goes to bed later, only to awaken to hear odd noises in the hall. he goes to his mom's room and tries frantically to awake her, but she keeps on snoring. he decides to investigate the noises himself, and discovers his father in a rather embarassing state with the family's maid. he returns to bed. the next day in school his teacher asks him what he learned. he stands up and delivers his report that "capitalism is fucking the working class, and the government doesn't listen to the people." haha! okay, the dumb kids have prob'ly caught up by now.
*fuck! fuck! fuckfuckfuckfuckityfuckfuckdick! there now, wasn't that fun? oh man, that story really wore me out. hoo boy. i'm pretty much just a one trick pony, one joke per column is about all i can handle. *yawn* i'm going to bed soon.
oh wait! before i go- get this!! the bastard evil bureaucrats who control the bastard evil lutheran college that bastard evil me attends, the same bastard evil bastards who had the bastardly idea of raising tuition by EIGHT-FUCKING-PER-FUCKING-CENT (costing me a great deal of fucking money), have seen fit to install a (get this!) a sprinkler system for the lawn near the fine arts building! sure, i'll be broke but look at the nice green grass! no-good-rotten-sons-of- bitches. grr. i think they oughta eliminate all needless expenses, like sprinkler system, multiple cafeterias, tons and tons of mailings to prospective students, parasitic administrators, and all ties to the lutheran church, because in my humble opinion the school's chief priority oughtta be the students.
but hey that's just me and what do i know?
