after my third attempt resulted in a dismal failure just like the previous two, i decided that my fourth attempt would be successful NO MATTER WHAT, and anyone who stood my in way would meet a quick but painful demise, i'm talking of course about my attempts at writing this very column. i've been away from the process for a while cuz i was busy this summer and simon was redesigning the site. (so how do you like our new digs here? pretty spiffy, eh?)
happy news for all you nate-o-philes, issue #1 my own fanzine [geek like me] is nearing completion, i've got to wring just a little more writing out of myself and some friends, some pictures and art to locate, and the layout and printing to take care of. almost there... props out to everyone who demonstrated, through examples both good and bad, that i could in fact do a zine of my own, and yay me.
not many people know this, but kool aid makes you smarter and more handsome. it's true! it contains high concentrations of neuro- transmitters linked to psychic abilities as well. since coming back to school about a week ago my roommate and good friend Zach (b)M(x)atson have gone through about a dozen packets of kool aid and close to ten pounds of sugar.we stocked up the other day though, buying 15 more packets and a 25 lb. bag of domino sugar (we figure that kool aid's fun, harmless way to meet people [everyone we meet we tell to come on up for free kool aid] and a good way to promote the idea of a positive straightedge lifestyle. [incidentally, if i ever enter a field where i need a pseudonym, like writing, professional gambling/wrestling, or meting out vigilante justice, my handle is going to be "domino sugar." but my friends will be allowed to call me dom.]) needless to say, my brain power is so high from all the kool aid that at the moment i can bend keys with but a thought, and effortlessly deflect blaster fire with my lightsaber. there's no stopping me now, i've got the combined might of Luke Skywalker and Kool-Aid Man! Evil-Doers beware, when i come busting through your wall it won't be to give you sweet tastey pseudo-juice, it'll be to kick you bad guy ass! (i've also been closely studying the moves of kung fu expert and all around hero Jackie Chan, i watch all the fight scenes on the tapes in slow motion and perform the moves along with him in my room. i've become quite the scrapper, except my speed needs a little work. but you should see my jump kick! i've got a helluva lotta hang time!!) and once i've cleaned up the streets of gotham i'll go into politics, using the fortune left to me when my parents were brutally gunned down to finance my carreer. i'll start with being a congressman, then one day president, and i'll appoint Alfred, my guardian, butler, and friend, to a supreme court position, and turn the bat-cave into a museum so everyone will know what my life in gotham was like before i became president, and how i used to pretend to be a philandering playboy to keep commissioner gordon off my trail. then robin and i will make up, and i'll start working on world peace and ending capitalism. hang on a sec... oh hell... sorry, that's not right at all. that's bruce wayne, not me.
that was a segment from the book i'm writing, Senator Batman. oops...
that was a little embarassing.
sooo...
uhh...
read any good books lately?
i have!!
i read a really rad book by Neil Gaiman (with art by Dave McKean) called The Day I Swapped My Dad For Two Goldfish. it's a children's book, which means it's perfect for someone of my mentality, and it's fucking cool! it's about a guy who trades his dad for two goldfish and a glass bowl. it reminded me of when i was little and i used trade star wars guys to the kids around the neighborhood. the hottest commodities in my neighborhood were always han solo and lando calrissian (and the guy with the walrus face that we used to call butt-mouth.) i don't know why we bothered to trade them to each other though, because always ended up destroying them playing Torture.
Torture was one of our favorite games... the way you play is you flip your bike upside-down so the wheels stick up in the air, and you spin the back tire as fast as you can with your hands. then you take a star wars guy and hold his face next to the rapidly spinning tire, (being careful not to press too hard or else the bike'll flip over or you burn your fingers) while screaming "ohh aaahh my face you're burning my face off why are doing this to me no please aaaaaah!!!" while all your friends laugh and holler "hey do luke next!" then you're left with a star wars figure with no face just a relatively smooth black slightly melted plastic head. then you say "i'll get you for this darth vader, you may have removed my face but with my new robot senses i can have my revenge! bwa ha ha!!" that was always a real fun time, especially looking back now at how much those star wars figures would be worth today if they still had faces. but i wouldn't trade those good times i had for anything less than fifty bucks, so i guess it's worth whatever it may have cost me.
something else i realized that is worth the cost is talking to girls. i met a number of fly honeys relatively recently, and one has particularlry piqued my interest, with her witty reparte and yeah she's cute too. now in the past my method of dealing with members of the opposite sex to whom i'm attracted has entailed blushing a lot, avoiding them, and acting awkward. as you can probably guess this hasn't left me with a good deal of success... but after much deliberation and discussion with my pals i've decided that i do in fact possess the ability to speak to females in whom i am somewhat interested. of course, it takes weeks of exact planning and good deal of careful thought to ensure the victory, but the time invested really pays off. listen to these suave words: "so, uh, if you're not too busy later on today i was wondering if maybe you'd like to go with me to get some food cuz i'm hungry and i'm gonna go anyway... if you don't want to that's completely okay, i mean, i really understand, but if you do want to come with that'd be really cool too." eat your heart out cassanova, move over romes, suck a fat dick cyrano de bergerac, and get-outta-my-face-before-i-smash-yours leonardo dicaprio,there's a new boy in town and he's hot hot hot! so yeah, like i said before, my goal is to kiss lots of pretty girls but that's my lifetime goal, my short-term goal is to be able to talk to the girls that catch my eye and stimulate my mind (yeah, that's it, stimulate my MIND...)
the other day while playing excite-bike on nintendo my buddy and roommie zach and me were pointing out metaphors for life in excite- bike and flatland bmx biking. he had some choice words of wisdom that i thought i could share with all you people out there who might have hang ups w/ people you're attracted to: "it's like riding bmx... when i want to make a big jump or a drop off a ledge or something and i'm too scared i just get going really really fast so that if i try and abort the mission i'll end up getting hurt worse than if i just grip the handle bars and go for it." so that's what i'm gonna do, and when i land if i end up nearly castrating myself on the center bar, well, so be it. eventually i'll get better at it, right? and of course with girls there's a lot less risk of physical injury. (well, depending on the girl...)
