This is the first version of my second column for punks g hybrid e-zine on the third of may! Go! (Okay, it's oct. 27 and this is my third draft, but I wanted to keep the 1-2-3-4 punk rock motif. Because 3-2-10-27 just isn't the same. It's okay for football, I guess, but not for starting a song) well, this column's topic will be my radio show. For those of you who aren't already in the know (and who probably didn't understand the 1-2-3-4 thing: a lot of punk bands start their songs by having one of the band members count off "1-2-3-4" then starting the song. May is the fourth month of our calendar. All clear now?) Don't know that I attend valparaiso university here in oh-so-fucking-lovely valparaiso indiana (another note for you morons: interpret words in all capitals to be shouted shrilly at the top of my lungs.)

Well, I have a show on WVRR 95.1-FM, our campus radio station. I've got, I think, about thirteen real listeners. Usually 5-7 of them are friends of mine hanging out at the studio w/ me. But believe you me, i'm one helluva a good dj. I'm the man, aww yeah! Who's hip? I'm hip! I got a radio show baby, I fucking rule! (On a slightly related note, I haven't had any time alone with my girlfriend for maybe a month. I'm a little tense, if you get my drift.) My show is on wednesday nights, well, technically thursday mornings, from midnite till two. My show is called ...dramatic pause... Make out music with nate! The ironic thing is, my school, being a pillar of christian morality, has a visitation policy as follows: on week nights, no guys on an all girls floor or vice-versa after midnight. So, if people are listening to my show, they're prob'ly not makin' out, ya know? Unless they got the radio up loud to cover up any noises they make. Hmm.

Anyway, isn't that a stupid rule? The visitation one, I mean. (Pay attention, dammit!!) Everyone knows it's do discourage *gasp!* Sexual intercourse. But, if you're in someone of the opposite sex's room, and you're studying, you pretty much have to talk, unless you're studying in sign language or morse code or something. If you're hanging out, you're gonna talk and laugh. But if you're fucking, you're probably not talking, (maybe grunting a little, but I don't wanna know) and you can just turn up the radio to cover any sounds you do make.

And as if christians don't have sex or something, right? Ha! Then why do catholics typically have so many kids!? I'm telling ya, they're knockin' boots like crazy! (Lent,baby. No meat, but it's sex galore!) I dunno about lutherans though, which is the faith to which valpo (as my school is affectionately known 'round here. Rhymes with alpo, like the dog food.) Adheres. Maybe the powers that be are tryin' to protect us vulnerable young sheep, because, as everyone knows, sex before marriage = eternal damnation at the hands of a vengeful and angry god.

So like I was saying, I have this radio show. I get to review new cd's, some of which reviews I will eventually type and send to simon for posting on the webpage. My show also fulfills two other (at least!) Valuable functions. One: it allows hormonally charged college kids to imperil their immortal souls by having some halfway decent music to fuck to and to hide any sounds they make from people outside in the hall, and two: in typical hella rad punk rock manner, my show sticks it to the man by letting people on campus get around rules made by the oppressive administration, previously referred to as the powers that be. Granted, my show won't keep you from getting thrown out of someone's room and brutally beaten if yer caught, but it does allow ya to misbehave and not be found out. I'm so punk.

Another thing! Why are there so few other sxers here on campus? People are drinkin' druggin' and fuckin' like bunnies down here! Criminy! (Not to imply that all bunnies are wild and debauched, no no. It's just a colloquialism i've picked up somewhere. I'd hate to have a horde of rabid vegan eco-freaks protesting outside my dorm, "nate discriminates against rabbits! Down with nate!") I think basically all the kids here are finally out from under mom and dad's collective thumb so they can finally openly misbehave. (Just for the record, my opposition to sex is based on reason, not dogma, cuz you can get aids or kids or other such ickiness.)

I dunno. I'm not gonna turn this into some sort of well thought out discussion of straightedge principle or whatnot, cuz ruth'd kick my ass for stealing her column topic. To sum it all up: I rule, you suck, give me money. I'm going to take a nap.

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