never ever make fun of the Ramones. ever.
mark my words, those who mock the Ramones tempt fate in a decidedly dangerous manner. lest calamity befall you, i recommend you not discuss the Ramones at all, except to give praise. don't believe me? listen to this dramatic testimony:
i made fun of the Ramones not too long ago, penning a song about them, the chorus to which goes "aww dammit i just can't stand it the Ramones have got to be the ugliest band on the planet." (now i'm no looker myself, in fact i'm quite hideous to behold, but you won't find my face on magazines or webpages, and let's be honest, okay? the R-A-M-owns are NOT beauty pageant material. not that i'm making fun of them or anything, i'm just saying they're kinda yucky.) not long after this tactical blunder i began to have terrible nightmares about men in leather jackets chasing me around chanting "beat on the geek, beat on the geek who says we're ug-lee!" i thought this was just a coincidence, or my subconscious guilt at disrespecting the hoary punk rock icons that are the Ramones. but it gets worse. my bass amp started to malfunction, there's a loose connection in the input so that every time i try and play it cuts out or makes irritating static KSSSSHHH sounds. then my guitar amp had the same thing happen to it. THEN when i went to get my zine printed many of them were copied offset by almost an inch, fucking up the layout of almost all the pages. as i explained the error to the clerk at the copy store i caught a glimpse of a leather jacketed man with dark hair and sunglasses slipping out the side door rather hurriedly.
not long after that the phone calls started.
"nice little life you've got here in indiana. pity something should happen to it..."
*click*.
"better watch your back, geek-boy..."
*click*.
"i'm gonna fuck you UP!!!!!"
*click*.
(i managed to get a restraining order and a new phone number, so now my mom's finally stopped harassing me, but STILL! you gotta watch out, they have agents in place EVERYWHERE!)
not many people know this, but Joey Ramone participated in the CIA mind-control experiment MK-ULTRA, undergoing extensive conditioning to make him the ultimate killer after recieving the code word via television, telephone, or email. this makes him a very dangerous individual. the other assorted Ramones are also expert assassins working for the US government to further "liberty", "justice", the economic domination of the rest of the world, and other assorted american goals.
you may have noticed that the Riverdales sound (and look) like the Ramones. (okay, the Riverdales are much more attractive than the Ramones, but otherwise they're pretty similar) that's because the Riverdales are clones grown in a secret government laboratory beneath Salt Lake City, Utah (the same laboratory that manufactures Ovaltine Chocolate Drink, Fruit Roll Ups, and puts flouride in our water, all part of the global conspiracy to pollute our precious bodily fluid.) The Riverdales are a sort of Ramones Version 2.0, a new breed of secret agent even deadlier and inhuman than the last. all those other Ramonesy pop-punk bands in your neighborhood? fledgling agents of The Company, part of the world-wide conspiracy against the people, honing their skills and perfecting their cover stories.
punk rock bands, fast food, artificially intelligent and remarkably malevolent computer programs capable of instantly electronicaly accessing your entire life history, bloodthirsty killers with badges, extensive wire-tapping, Regis and Kathy Lee, mind-controlling radio signals beamed into combination tracking devices and transceivers implanted in our teeth and eye glasses, deadly genetically engineered microscopic organisms, MTV and commercial radio, these are but a FRACTION of the forces allayed against us!
watch your back.
there's an elaborate conspiracy going on, and extensive counter- intelligence actions being taken (and if pop-punk isn't counter to intelligence then what is? well, ska. and hip hop. and country. and a lot of straightedge hardcore... my gosh! does this conspiracy know no bounds?! CAN ANYONE BE TRUSTED?!?)
i might be eliminated for revealing what i know, but the truth must be told...
purity of essence,
Nate Holdren
