let's get down to brass tacks, shall we? valentine's day is bullshit. you know it, i know it. to all you dirty sonsabitches (and daughtersabitches, let's be fair) what happen to be in "love" with some "great person" who just "thrills" you, i just wanna say fuck off, emphasis on the "OFF." i don't care how happy and in "love" you are. i don't CARE how you're walking on air every time your significant other's voice comes over the phone. i LIKE not having a significant other, loneliness is most certainly not an issue and neither is sexual frustration so DON'T EVEN ASK.
i hope you all get nasty cuts on your hands from the thorns on your roses and i hope the cuts get infected and you go blind and you get downright awful bad breath and your appendages wither away to nothing so you have to be bed-ridden and you get bed-sores and your hair falls out and your ribcage collapses so that every breath is FUCKING AGONY as your pierced lungs slowly fill with blood. and right before that happens i hope your significant other accidentally drops pictures out of his/her coat pocket of him/her committing unnatural acts with your mom, your dad, your best friend, two local community leaders, various inanimate objects, and Rover the family pet. THEN I WANT YOU TO DIE, KNOWING THAT YOU'RE JUST AS UNLOVED AND PATHETIC AS THE REST OF US!!!!!!!!
*PANT PANT PANT GASP WHEEZE*
sorry. sometimes i get a little worked up.
i hate valentine's day. it's dumb. when i'm in a relationship i forget about it (i mean, i know about valentine's day, but i'm never aware of the date at any given day... this is often very awkward-
significant other: "happy valentine's day/anniversary/christmas! i got you a box of candy!"
me: "oh was that today?! i thought today was the 5th! dammit!"
significant other: "get out."
me: "uhh. okay. can i still keep the candy?")
and when i'm not in a relationship i certainly don't want to be reminded that i'm not. so all you people out there that are hopelessly in the throes of "love" and "happines" please do me a favor this year and fucking knock it off. the rest of us don't want to hear it or see it. go be happy and content and stare dreamily into each others' eyes murmuring sweet nothings somewhere fucking else or you risk being vomited upon at the least.
let's face it, what's valentine's day REALLY about? money. money in the pocket of greeting card, flower, and chocolate companies who we all KNOW are in league with defense contractors. it only makes sense. the founder of the Nobel Peace Prize made dynamite for a living, the greeting card companies are helping manufacture nuclear weapons, and they're watching us all through our television and/or computer screens. think about it. think about how much money all you lovey- dovey motherfuckers are channeling into the capitalist death machine by buying those roses, sappy cards, and heart shaped candy. we all know love was invented to sell products. love is very similar to what happens in your brain when you eat a lot of chocolate, that's no accident! it's something developed and instilled in us to sell us more goods!!!! AND THE WORST PART IS A TACTICAL NUCLEAR STRIKE CAN COME AT ANY MINUTE, WITHOUT WARNING!!!! (at the touch of a button we could all cease to exist.)
so, in order to oppose this World Wide Communist Conspiracy To Dilute And Putrefy Our Precious Bodily Fluids (sorry, i just saw Dr. Strangelove again...), i am proposing the development of a Valentine's Day Disruption Committee. here are your instructions: anyone holding hands or kissing and liking it on Valentine's Day get's 2 quarts boiling water thrown on their faces. anyone smiling gets a punch in the teeth. anyone using the words love, valentine, sweetheart, honeybunch, darling, dear, or punkin' should be shot immediately.any further instructions will communicated to you personally through your television set.
now let's get out there and wreck this holiday!
peace on earth,
