Well, it's been about 23 days since i last wrote a column, which means it's now time to start a new one. (i like to keep on a schedule of one column about every 25 days.) i considered addressing more serious issues in this column, such as capitalism and eating meat and how i feel they're immoral (even though i have a job, selfishly squander all my money, and eat meat), but i'd really rather just babble about other crap. (politics are boring! politics are fucking boring!) (name that tune...) i don't know. it's just that being serious is just so... serious. (not to mention a lot less fun.) tell you what, i'll explain it mathematically. maybe then it'll all make more sense...
The variables we'll be working with are as follows:
The level of fun i have in writing a column (S) the amount of work required to write said column (E) my desire to to do the above work (X) and the type of column i'll be writing (Y), either serious (Y1) or just for kicks (Y2)
If X>E, i will write the column. the relationship can be described by the mathematical equation X=1.5(S). the relationship between S and E can be described as S+E=15. (if the column is just for kicks we'll assign S a specific value of say... 10.) (satan?)
S=5, E=10, X=7.5 if Y1. and S=10, E=5 X=15 if Y2.
Now totalling all the numbers from left to right, we find that Y1=22.5 and that Y2=30. therefore case Y2 is the preferred case. thus, i will never write a serious column. also looking at the above equations, you can see that if i write a serious column, i'm a sexy one, but if i write a just for kicks column i'm sexy too. so the in the second case i lose nothing and in BOTH cases i'm attractive.. (for an explanation on THAT phenomenon refer back to my studies on Geek Appeal, published on the homepage of Dr. Simon King.) oh yeah, incidentally, this also relates to my theory that sXe is greater than all else. (in your face mister Home Project Kit!)
Now that i've decided based on mathematial principles that this column will be written strictly for leisure, the next required step is to actually begin writing the column. typically the process begins with a somewhat vague starting idea, which i write about till i stray and begin to prattle on about other things.
This column's idea finds its genesis in an email conversation i had with the aforementioned Simon King. in one of his emails Simon commented that i take a lot of naps, and informed me that in at least half of all my emails to him i was on my way to take a brief nap. from this data i conclude the following: i like to sleep, and i don't sleep enough. hmm.
I typically spend my waking time reading, playing some sort of instrument (usually bass or guitar, occasionally piano), listening to music, corresponding with friends or just hanging out. once in a while i do a little homework to break the monotony. basically, i'm a pretty social creature (even though at times i'm decidedly anti- social), almost all my hobbies involve interacting with others. the only things i really PREFER to do alone are sleep and masturbate. and i haven't really tried those with other people very much, so who knows... one problem, though, is that i get a lot less accomplished with others around. but i enjoy what i'm doing more. truly a dilemma, wouldn't you agree?
Here's one solution i thought of: i'll have a different friend surgically attached to me every day. this way i'll never have to be alone, and since the person will change daily i'll never see the need to go out and meet people. plus, being grafted onto one another will surely be a bonding experience for us (BWA HA HA!) this could also have the possible added benefit of eventually making me hate other people so i won't WANT to socialize. think of how productive i'll be then!
Wow. i'm glad i got that problem worked out. i feel much better. (speaking of feeling better: astroglide brand lubricant will give free samples out if you dial their 1-800 number. i lost the number, but i bet they have a website. this stuff's gotta be good, it was developed by NASA.) now as far as my napping problem goes... i'm not really sure yet. i think i could start going to bed earlier or sleeping later, but that would cut into my time i set aside for other things.
It's too bad i'm straightedge, because if i wasn't i could just subsist on various stimulants like cocaine and amphetamines. aside from generally heightening my energy level, this would be a good source of income, and a GREAT way to slim down. hmmm...
Oh well. it's the same old problem... i think of a great solution, but i'm unwilling to put it into practice. take for example my problem with needing more money- i COULD lurk by a local ATM machine and mug anyone who uses it. but there's the whole morality issue...
Speaking of money, MaximumRocknRoll recently upped their prices to 3 bucks instead of two. oh well. looks like i'll have to eat a little less. one concern i have though, is that this price change could herald dramatic changes in the punk rock world...
Bands are going to have to mark up seven inch prices to 4.50, so they stay at the expected level, which is 150% the cover price of maximumrocknroll. after all, band members need to buy MRR too, right? and then kids will have to shell out even more hard earned cash for records, leaving them with less cash to go to shows.
With less kids attending shows, promoters will have to up the door costs, and the previously accepted market price of 5 or 6 bucks will go up. this trend will continue until an equillibrium point is reached where only people who have a lot of money or can scam their way onto the guest list will be able to get into shows. in the face of this coming punk rock Armageddon, i urge you to go to as many shows and buy as many records as possible while you still have the option! and, start kissing up to every band and promoter you know, and start a band, a 'zine, a record label, a distro company and anything else you can think of that will get you free records and onto guest lists. this way you can be one of the Blessed Ones in the post holocaust punk rock world, and be a part of the development of the New Order...
Boy am i tired. i think i'll go to bed now... feel free to email me with responses. that way i'll have even more things to do in order to avoid school related activities.
