i just thought i'd take a minute to respond to a recent column by my dear pal Charlie Clueless, who aped my column title in a recent column of his own (but didn't use enough parenthesees (cuz i use a fucking TON of 'em (cuz i'm a geek) in my columns) to do a proper imitation of my writing style.), and answer the questions raised within said column. (i also wanted to thank Charlie for making me see that the old adage that imitation is the sincerest form of flattery is false. i think the sincerest form of flattery is a blowjob, or else an expensive gift.)
2. more people would come to your shows if you stopped having sex with your relatives!
10. you asked 19 questions, one of which ended in a period but was phrased like a question, and used 21 question marks, two of which were upside down.
5. because i'm a commie bastard (just ask Andrew Lance) who cares about both human and non-human animals and doesn't want to take part in an immoral, socially damaging system that promotes world hunger. plus, Veganity makes me look a little cooler when i try to pick up fly punk rock honeys at shows, and every little bit helps.
1. In fact, Joe King, a.k.a. Joe Queer, the product of a Lookout! Laboratories experiment, combinging genetic material culled from the sperm of various Ramones and from a small section of each Beach Boy's left buttock.
4. Cuz i'm a hella fucking cool punk rock dynamo and i'm unstoppable baby!!
that out of the way, on to my column...
there are absolutely NO punk rock drummers in northwest indiana, i'm convinced of this. [well there's one, Mike Muck of the MuckRakers, but he's a) taken and b) into heavy metal.] i can't describe how infuriating it is to have written a bevy (how many exactly constitute a bevy? we've got around 13... if that's not a bevy then it's at least enough to be a passle.) of marginally listenable punk rock tunes and not have the full complement of musicians needed to officially count as "a band." *sigh* and to top it all off, my friends back in northern illinois who i used to play with are all getting shows left and right now with their new bands, while my own band has played only one show and that was at a campus sponsored event, sans bassist, for a grand total of 20 people, NONE of whom danced! (our drummer, bob, who had to drive two hours from Dekalb Eye Ell, DID tell a very funny story about our bassist's grandmother wigging out and hijacking a bus full of school-children, as an explanation for why we had no bassist for the show...)
i remember back in the day the guys i played w/ were all like "sure, we can play around in your garage, that'd be kinda cool" to which i replied, stridently and inspiringly, "oh ho ho! no no no! we will, i repeat, WILL progress beyond Garage Band status to achieve the vaunted title of Not Too Sucky Local Band!" after marshalling the troops to the idea that we could indeed play shows with an audience larger than my dogs and assorted band members younger siblings (no dis to said pets or siblings) and release our own seven inch singles in the (dramatic pause and fanfare of trumpets...) Time Honored Punk Rock DIY Tradition, i was unfortunately cut down in my prime by a couple hundred pounds of treated lumber, and found myself unable to play any instrument (necesitating a leave of absence from any and all bands) for around two months, during the course of which i moved (for the purporse of furthering my education) to Valparaiso Eye En, where the student population is virtually devoid of punk rockers interested in playing (i've found one, my dear friend Brian Unplesant), and i've also found myself with less free time to facilitate said playing. (but Valpo's not all bad, i've benefitted a lot from coming here, making such important realizations as the moral imperative to have a vegan or at least vegetarian diet, and deciding upon a lifetime goal to focus on: to kiss lots of pretty girls. so far my tally is five, having recently increased by one. is five a lot? i dunno. even if it IS a lot, there's always room for more. pretty girls interested in helping me live out this lifetime goal email me privately and we can discuss.)
i am conVINced that were i either A) one year younger B) to drop out of school or C) otherwise living with/near my folks, myself, teamed up with my dear friend Joel "Action" Jackson (currently of the Rebel Jedi, a band deserving of the status of Decent And Very Local, and very popular among home-town sk8 punks), would be kicking punk rock booty throughout the land (several songs co-written by myeslf and him still make up part of the 'Jedi setlist, and another song written by the two of us, entitled Three Concussions, is still spoken of with fond nostalgia by past band members and fans.) it's all good though. i'm content to relax in the land of corn, reading, complaining, and sleeping (a lot), slowly sharpening my musical and song-writing skills till the day arrives that whatever band i am part of at the time blows the pants off of all other bands, or at least has people tapping their feet and saying "hey not bad." (speaking of which, we had the gratifying-in-one-sense-but-frustrating-in-another experience of having two parental types [you know, OLD PEOPLE] tell us that we were "pretty good!" after our set... i think it's because we cover two Winpress songs... [Winepress songs having some unidentifiable magical power, probably related to the fact that they were in high school when the seven inch was recorded, which makes Winpress both irrestible to any and all listeners and one of the All-Time Best Bands In Western History...])
other than complaining about my school's terminal lack of any sort of social life (other than drinking, sports, and drinking), i've been pretty lazy lately. all i've done is change majors, break up with my girlfriend, land a job as events cooridinator for the campus radio station for next year, and decide that free will is an illusion. i'd also like to start a 'zine distro, that'd be hella cool... (that's part of my game plan for this summer... work a lot and earn money to pay for tuition, a big ol' guitar amp, assorted toys, and have enough left over to sink into the zine distribution project. we'll see.)
i find of late that my level of satisfaction with my columns is waning, i no longer finish up a column and think 'damn i'm good.' more and more i'm wanting to write up more serious personal musings... i blame entirely Brian Misanthropist and Andrew Lance for pressuring me to write said serious ideas down... but non-committal bastard that i am whenever i begin to write something serious a really funny idea pops into my head, rendering me unable to concentrate. i think this is because of a small device implanted in my brain in 1985, by the CIA, to monitor my thoughts. knowing that i am possessed of a seditious nature, the shadowy network in place to protect the status quo (known in layman's terms as "The Man") uses the aforementioned micro-chip to keep me distracted so that i pose no threat to anyone in power.
pretty neat, huh? i bet you wish YOU had a micro chip in YOUR head! well hahaha you don't cuz your too dumb to be a threat to any sort of political figure! na na na na na! (that reminds me, props to folk singer Wally Pleasant, on his new record, "Wally World," there's a hilarious tune about Henry Rollins, called Hardcore Man, that you just GOTTA hear.)
i just realized that i'm WAY behind on my profanity quota for this column. dammit. i better fucking get cracking! wouldn't want the fucking AAMFPR (American Associaton of Mutha-Fuckin' Punk Rockers) to revoke my Punk As Fuck certificate... not doing any fucking drugs or sniffing glue or any shit like that makes it extra hard to maintain the required level of Punk As Fuck Points.
well, i've written a good deal here without saying a whole lot, (now THAT takes skill, any moron can be concise, it takes a genius to talk forever without saying anything worth hearing!) so i'm gonna go. plus i gotta go to work. in closing i'd just like to pose this quick question. i've heard it said that it would take an infinite amount of monkeys banging away on an infinite amount of typewriters an infinite amount of time to produce the complete works of Shakespeare. what i wanna know is how many monkeys with typewriters, and how long would it take, to produce something slightly below Shakespeare, like... a tv sitcom script or a John Grisham novel? why isn't anyone studying this? (speaking of john grisham, here's a lawyer joke: "did you hear, the science community today announced they would no longer conduct experiments on white mice, instead they will use lawyers, because lawyers are harder to kill, less cute, and no one cares if they die!" hahaha!) that's all kiddies... until next time, remember... i like email, and i like you.
(i parTICularly those of you who email me (it only makes sense, look at it mathematically... i like you and i like email, so if YOU EMAIL ME (hint hint) then i will be esPECially pleased!!!), like brian permanent, brian misanthropist, andrew lance, charlie clueless, and cate acer. and of course there's the illustrious simon king.)
