i believe this is column number... eight? yes, eight it is. you know, to the ancient hebrews, the number 7 stood for god. therefore... this column is greater than god! hahaha! (because my column actually exists, and my writing has never been used as a tool of oppression! at least i hope it hasn't. hmm...)
i got my hair cut short again (i like setting 3 on the clippers,) it's good to have a decent Punk Rock Haircut again. if you let your hair grow too long you drift into a hippy or heavy metal type thing, especially if you listen to a lot of emo or hardcore, respectively. (that's right, i'm saying that a. emo is something akin to hippy music, b. hardcore is close to heavy metal, and c. what kind of haircut you have DIRECTLY affects your punk rock-ness or lack thereof!)
with this nice short hair, my punk-ocity is increased by a factor of ten. (man, what's with me and math lately?)(in related news, we just got a MIG welder at work. my job makes me extra cool, cuz i build and break shit.) you see, the shorter one's hair, the less time one has to spend on it, and the less time spent on one's appearance the more punk rock you are. it's a proven fact! for example, say you have the basic male haircut, like a newscaster or a banker. if ya wanna look punk rock, ya gotta spend all sorts of time tousling it and fucking with it until ya get that disheveled "i just woke up and don't give a fuck" look. if you have long hair, you either have to get dread locks, which say "i'm a gutterpunk who can't be bothered with hygeine" (very punk rock, but a little gross,) or you can randomly cut chunks out of it so you look like your barber's having marital problems. (also very punk rock,but you run the risk of looking like david bowie or rod stewart.)
if you just leave you hair long, it says "i secretly love the grateful dead or megadeth cuz i'm either a metal-head or a hippie, which can be determined by whether i like sensitive emo bands with plaintive singers and 'artistic'lyrics or testosterone fueled hardcore shout-alongs and whether my intoxicant of choice is marijauna or cheap beer." (everyone knows that getting fucked up is very punk rock. the most punk rock method of doing so is sniffing glue, with shooting heroin coming in a close second.) if ya got short hair you look punk rock at all times, regardless. granted, it's only a median level of punkness, but hey, we can't all be Darby Crash or G.G. Allin. also, piercings, tattoos and hair dyes will bestow upon you another level of punk-ness, if you're willing to go there. (on the tattoo topic, i for one feel that if you're not willing to place a permanent, readily noticeable, more- or-less idelible mark on your body for a band, you're not a true fan.) one thing though- make sure your piercing/tattoo/dye-job fits in with your respective punk rock subculture. for example, if you're a punk rock geek like me, try and keep piercings to a minimum, they hurt and are just going to look out of place anyway. dyeing the hair one solid color is acceptable (especially if it doesn't match any of you cardigan sweaters or other Geek-Wear,) and only tattoes of cartoon characters are allowed. (remember, awkwardness is the key.)
i went to england, did i mention that? i got to stay with my pal melissa at her house, for free. ain't she sweet?all i had to pay was airfare, and buy eats while there. it's a lot easier to be vegan in england, there's a lot more vegetarian and vegan products available. i met some really cool homeless people, and seriously considered staying. i spent too much money, bought a lotta books, and cd's by Propagandhi, Desmond Dekker, the Selecter, and the almighty Buzzcocks. i continued to spend too much money after returning... i bought a playstation, it's super fucking cool! i got twisted metal 2, it's this rad car game where ya drive around and blow shit up and run over pedestrians. what more could you ask for?! yet another reason to isolate myself from all social interaction! yipee!
since we're discussing things that make me antisocial (violent video games DO make you antisocial you know. Timothy McVeigh, the alleged Oklahoma City bomber, has confessed to playing Mortal Kombat a lot, and said that he spent the day before the bombing in a Oklohama video arcade, leaving only to get lunch at a Taco Bell. upon being informed they were out of veggie fajita wraps, he flew into rage and began flailing about, shouting "your system sucks! your whole goddam system! i'll show you! just you wait!") my school has raised tuition by nearly 8% for next year! bastards! i can only afford so much, ya know? i'm already gonna graduate with a nice twelve to fifteen grand debt... and i'm going to have to work every summer at the factory where i broke my hand cuz i'm paing 4 my own tuition. (i realized only rather recently that when those trusses fell on me at work last summer that i very possibly coulda DIED! that SUCKS! see, there were about a dozen trusses standing up, and i was banding up a different group of trusses lying on the skids in front of 'em, and the wind caught the ones standing up [someone from day-shift had apparently neglected to chain them in place like their supposed to] and they fell forward. my co-worker Raoul yelled "lookout!" so me and John who was banding the otherside of the bundle looked up, said something along the lines of"oh fuck" and tried to duck and cover. Raoul ran and grabbed most of the trusses from behind right before they fell, but two or 3 came down hard, smacking my hard-hatted head and crunching my hand. now, if all twelve of those fuckers had fallen over, most likely i'd've broken my neck, or at the very least fucked up a lot of the bones in my face. [wow, it would have really sucked to have died while still living at home w/ my parents and all! [is being crushed at work a punk rock way to die? it doesn't sound like it. i think being killed for sedition is probably the most punk rock wayto die. i wonder what the least punk death is... probably something dumb like being stung by a bee or falling down the stairs.])
hey, here's an idea, how about all of y'all mail me one dollar, so that i can afford to go to college next year! think of it this way... if you love me you'll obey! =) or think of it as... umm... punk rock community... working together to accomplish something worthwhile? my address is #505 Lankenau Hall, Valparaiso IN. (and feel free to send me records, demo tapes, 'zines, drawings, etc. and i'll review it if ya want. i promise if ya write me i'll write back! and prob'ly make fun of ya in one of my columns too! ;)
props to retired Church of England vicar John Fuck-I-Forgot-His- Last-Name. true story, the guy publicly stated that people should steal from big chain supermarkets and patronize only small businesses! sure, he's a religious fellow but anyone who publicly makes a statement like that, offending the english gov't, english businesses, and the Church of England is cool in my book.
on my visit to "sunny" england i made the important discovery that elctronic music is NOT cool. (i was advised to go see this band Lamb play, and they were like trip hop, lots of electroniccy stuff, didn't like it. wasn't much to it, most of the music came from a guy fiddling with knobs and shit. i dunno about you but to me that's kinda boring to watch. it seems like with electronic music you take a concert and make it into a party. i like conerts better than parties.) i also got approached by two seperate pairs of prostitutes in london. the first time i didn't understand, the one was like "sex?" and i'm like "huh?" so she gives me this look and goes "SEX?" and i understand her this time, so i sputter "oh! no! no. oh no, i uh no thank you." the second time i was smart and lied. "oh... i'd love to! but i'm broke." it was not a fun experience, i felt really bad. i cheated a lot while i was in england too... i ate a lotta chocolate cuz it's hella fucking good over there, and melissa fixed me a lot of really good but unfortunatel caffeinated tea. on returning to the states i proceeded to quit again, and sure enough i got the day three unbearable headaches. yeesh.
that's about all i have to say at this point... except that my current New Favorite Song is "shut up" by the Invalids. "shut up, you make me throw up, i wish you'd grow up, oh yeah. you suck, you stupid dumbfuck, i wish you'd blow up, right now." gotta love bratty pop punk. if you like the Queers, you'll like the Invalids.
i leave you with this cool quote from the awful movie 'Nick Of Time.'
"god i hate rollerbladers. skateboarders i don't mind, but
everytime i see see some pinhead on rollerblades it makes me wanna
grease the hood of my car with him."
-Ms. Jones
